Sunday, October 28, 2012

New Beginning

I guess you can tell that I had forgotten about my blog. Not one of my top priorities for quite a while. In fact, I didn't think it was worth my time or energy but I have felt that I needed to get back to it for over a month now. I feel like God has been telling me to write - about what I don't know. I don't even think I am a good writer so I don't know what He has in store for me. I do know that He has pushed me, challenged me, loved me, and held me together when I didn't think I could take anymore over this past year. I have actually had a stirring to do something different for the past few years. I just dealt with it by saying we can't afford for me to do anything else. I have to keep my teaching job for us to make it. Well when we started studying Nehemiah in January I couldn't ignore what God was trying to tell me. I couldn't believe I was even thinking about leaving my job, especially when we were barely getting by with both of our jobs. I didn't have peace about it until I put in my resignation at HCA. I had peace but no one else in my family felt the same way - except the kids. You want to talk about putting a strain on your marriage when it was already struggling! I dealt with it, well I say I dealt with it, by ignoring the comments and trying to avoid the subject. I can't put into words what I felt and what I was going through. I am sure I looked crazy to others! I had just left a 17 year teaching career, insurance, stability, etc. I just wanted to be at home with my children. I felt that God wanted me at home with them and I knew in my heart that He would provide for us. Faith - I have never had faith like this. Was I always positive through this whole experience? Was my faith what it should have been all of the time? No way! I had some very hard days and nights. There were times when I felt I had failed my family  and that I had just heard God wrong. I felt that He had brought me home and then left me. I went through so many thoughts and emotions. Was it fun? Do I want to go through it again? Absolutely not! I do know that through all of this He was and is there for me and I have grown as a Christian and I have a stronger relationship with my Lord and Savior. I am also happy to say that I have a stronger relationship with my husband and children. My husband still doesn't like how I handled things and I do see his point. I look back and see how wrong I was to make such big decisions without his input. I had a selfish and hard hard toward him and I am happy to say that my heart has softened and we have been repairing our relationship. We lost the teamwork somewhere over the past 16 years. I can't tell you how happy I am to have my partner back. We still don't agree on everything - and we never will. :-) But we have each other's back and we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. I am blessed to have a husband who loves me and our children so very much!
So...still not sure about writing. I don't know if He just wants me to blog or something more. I know He has put people in my life and books and blogs that have helped me grow this year. I'm not sure what He has in store for me but I know it will be greater than I ever imagined as long as I follow His will and ask Him to lead me.

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