Tuesday, October 30, 2012

This morning as I snuggled with my Katie Bug my heart overflowed with love as I lay there watching her sleep. I can't believe she is already 6. She is growing up way too fast! As I laid there I thanked God for the opportunity to be at home for the past five months. What a gift to be here and spend this kind of time with my children. My heart had always longed to be home but our finances never agreed. It is amazing what God can do when you do what you are supposed to and not what YOU think you should do. He has been so faithful! I don't know where He will lead me next. I feel something stirring and feel like something new is coming so I will just wait and see. No matter what I will always be thankful for this time in my life.
As I looked at Kat I also thought about how God loves us. We are far from perfect, we still make mistakes, we don't always listen and do what He wants us to do - just like children. The love I feel for my children doesn't even compare with how He loves us. That just stops me in my tracks because I can't imagine a greater love than I have for my babies. He loved us before we were ever on earth and he loves us even with all our faults. He gave His only son so that He could have a relationship with us. When you really think about that and let it soak in it should drop you to your knees. He loved you (and me) so much that He did that for us! I have spent a lot of years just being a Christian and living my life. I can't explain how wonderful it is now to have a relationship with Him. Life is just different. The storms still come but I know He is with me. What a wonderful feeling! I am So Blessed!!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

New Beginning

I guess you can tell that I had forgotten about my blog. Not one of my top priorities for quite a while. In fact, I didn't think it was worth my time or energy but I have felt that I needed to get back to it for over a month now. I feel like God has been telling me to write - about what I don't know. I don't even think I am a good writer so I don't know what He has in store for me. I do know that He has pushed me, challenged me, loved me, and held me together when I didn't think I could take anymore over this past year. I have actually had a stirring to do something different for the past few years. I just dealt with it by saying we can't afford for me to do anything else. I have to keep my teaching job for us to make it. Well when we started studying Nehemiah in January I couldn't ignore what God was trying to tell me. I couldn't believe I was even thinking about leaving my job, especially when we were barely getting by with both of our jobs. I didn't have peace about it until I put in my resignation at HCA. I had peace but no one else in my family felt the same way - except the kids. You want to talk about putting a strain on your marriage when it was already struggling! I dealt with it, well I say I dealt with it, by ignoring the comments and trying to avoid the subject. I can't put into words what I felt and what I was going through. I am sure I looked crazy to others! I had just left a 17 year teaching career, insurance, stability, etc. I just wanted to be at home with my children. I felt that God wanted me at home with them and I knew in my heart that He would provide for us. Faith - I have never had faith like this. Was I always positive through this whole experience? Was my faith what it should have been all of the time? No way! I had some very hard days and nights. There were times when I felt I had failed my family  and that I had just heard God wrong. I felt that He had brought me home and then left me. I went through so many thoughts and emotions. Was it fun? Do I want to go through it again? Absolutely not! I do know that through all of this He was and is there for me and I have grown as a Christian and I have a stronger relationship with my Lord and Savior. I am also happy to say that I have a stronger relationship with my husband and children. My husband still doesn't like how I handled things and I do see his point. I look back and see how wrong I was to make such big decisions without his input. I had a selfish and hard hard toward him and I am happy to say that my heart has softened and we have been repairing our relationship. We lost the teamwork somewhere over the past 16 years. I can't tell you how happy I am to have my partner back. We still don't agree on everything - and we never will. :-) But we have each other's back and we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. I am blessed to have a husband who loves me and our children so very much!
So...still not sure about writing. I don't know if He just wants me to blog or something more. I know He has put people in my life and books and blogs that have helped me grow this year. I'm not sure what He has in store for me but I know it will be greater than I ever imagined as long as I follow His will and ask Him to lead me.